


The one where Kakashi is Confused

by The_Impossible_Whovian



Series: The one Where Kakashi Hatake destroys the World (or just a small compound in Konoha) [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: And Kakashi's Relationship Status, Gen, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Kakashi is confused, Parent Hatake Kakashi, The mystery of the Orange book, but he doesn't know yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 10:00:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12528812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Impossible_Whovian/pseuds/The_Impossible_Whovian
Summary: when Inuzuka Tsume gets called because a toddler at the orphanage just developed elongated canines, she knows what to expect, and adopts the child with little fanfare. How was she supposed to know that another clan had elongated canines when the only remaining member covers his face? Honestly, Kakashi, stop making such a big deal about it. Being able to use White chakra proves nothing! Tsume saw her first! That makes her an Inuzuka.Part IIChikako is the super sneakiest sneaker to have ever sneaked and if her family won't answer her questions, she'll just perform her own investigation to figure out who this Hatake guy is and what's so special about white chakra.





	The one where Kakashi is Confused

Chikako was suspicious. Veeeery suspicious. After mother asked to see her chakra (which she could totally use like a boss and Kiba can suck on them apples!), she had freaked out and stormed off. So Chikako decided to begin her investigation with the most likely source of information. One Hana Inuzuka, clan heiress extraordinaire, and completely weak against her weaponized puppy eyes™. Hana spent most of her time these days in the clan veterinary clinic, or making doe eyes at that Hyuuga she thought no one knew about. Chikako found her at the vet clinic.

It took all of three seconds for Hana to go wide eyed and flee upon seeing her white chakra. Veeeeery suspicious indeed. Chikako then decided to suppress her chakra the same way she saw Hana and the rest of her fellow clan members do whenever mother would get super mad about something, and continue her investigation. Chikako used her super major, sneak around Kuromaru on a good day when he’s not paying attention skills, to successfully sneak into her house through the first floor side window. This special window let her into the main sitting area, which no one ever used that connects to the Kitchen, where mother and Hana would always have their important discussions. Chikako had used this special window in combination with her awesome sneaking powers to spy on her family many times. She was so good at this point, they only caught her like forty nine percent of the time. Chikako was just that awesome and she knew it.

“When are you going to tell him Mom? You have to tell him soon!” Came Hana’s worried voice. Interesting.

“Tell him what? There’s nothing to tell.” Mother’s dismissive voice returned.

“Nothing to te- She has white chakra! White. Chakra” Hana sputtered incredulously. Why yes. Yes I do. . . Now who does mother need to tell, and what? Wondered the curious eavesdropper. 

“So what? White chakra doesn’t prove anything. Besides look at the brown hair! The sharp teeth! She’s clearly an Inuzuka. Slightly irregular chakra doesn’t mean anything.” A still dismissive, unfazed, Mother replied, as if Hana’s freak was completely uncalled for and unnecessary. 

“That’s a Hatake trait Mom and you know it! Pretending it isn’t is just going to get the whole clan in deep shit!” Swore Hana angrily. Hatake? Chikako filed away the name for further investigations.

“It’s not Hatake anything! I’m not pretending, Chikako is my daughter and everyone knows it. You’re being unreasonable Hana. Honestly” Came Mother’s harried reply, as if Hana was the problem.

“Oh really? Prove it. As a matter of fact, where’s the paternity test? Isn’t the protocol when adopting potential Inuzuka's? Shouldn’t that have picked up on the glaring lack of Inuzuka blood?” Hana asked suspiciously. There was a moment of silence.

“I’m sure it’s lying around here somewhere, you know how I am with paperwork. But I can assure you it does in fact exist and is filed correctly.” Mother replied patiently, as if even Chikako couldn’t tell she was full of lies.

“Liar!” Hissed an infuriated Hana, but before her accusations could continue, the front door slammed open and Kiba loudly announced he was home from school. Mother’s all to cheery voice cut off Hana’s outrage as she welcomed an alarmed Kiba home in a sing song false cheer. The distraction was more than enough for Chikako to slip back out the window unnoticed.

. . . 

Day two of Chikako’s super sneaky investigation of sneakiness began at the clan kennel. The ninken there were all too happy to tell her about Hatake Kakashi and how they were clearly superior to his summons. She also got an in depth explanation about how a partner shouldn’t have to summon his ninken, they should already be there watching his back and protecting their partner from all evils. Chikako managed to escape after one final rant on how if someone needs eight freaking ninken to keep them alive either the ninken were beyond useless or Hatake was. 

From there, her favorite gossipy vendor at the marketplace was also all too happy to tell her about what a disreputable guy Hatake was. Also displacing and destroying the property of good hardworking civilians with his regular accomplice Maito Guy. She was also warned to stay far away from him as he was known to be a terrible pervert. Reading porn in public of all things! After that Chikako used her super sneaky distraction techniques to point over the vendor's shoulder in shock, and vanish into the early morning crowd while the gossip hen turned to see whatever had startled Chikako. She liked the older women, but could only tolerate so much gossip at a time from the lady. 

By the time lunch neared, she had discovered the location of Hatake’s apartment. There was an old cat lady who lived next door to him. Apparently Hatake was a total gentlemen who always helped her cross streets, carry her groceries, and would even get her cats out of trees if they escaped her apartment. But he was a superstitious one who would go to great lengths to avoid her black cat, Charles. Apparently Hatake wanted nothing to do with Charles and if Charles escaped her apartment as her cats were prone to do, she would see neither hide nor hair of him until that lovely lad guy would find and return Charles to her. 

Chikako was getting hungry, but from her super sneaky interrogation of the Hatake’s elderly neighbor, she discovered Hatake usually spent his lunch hour out doing various good deeds around the city with that lovely Guy fellow. She also learned the old lady was convinced Hatake and Guy were in a committed relationship, and thought it was adorable. Either way, it left a window of opportunity for Chikako’s super sneaky investigation. Infiltrating the building was simple work when you had an inside informant, or in Chikako’s case a little old cat lady inviting her up for cookies. Upon finishing her obligatory cookie, she began her infiltration of Hatake’s apartment. One might wonder, how a not-even-four-year-old knows how to evade high level traps, but most not-even-four-year-olds don’t have Hana as a big sister, or Tsume as a mother. Hana who thoroughly traps her room to keep snooping younger siblings out, and Tsume who forgets that she trapped her office against intruders when asking Chikako to go grab something for her. Chikako is the snoopiest snoop to have ever snooped, and also won’t let something as simple a couple of traps deter her from doing her mother a favor (if she’s quick enough Mother might even reward her with dango later. DANGO.) Also it might be worth mentioning that most traps (who aren't made by Hana) are not aimed at intruders the height of almost-four year olds. 

When Chikako successfully picked the lock on the door, she might have squeaked slightly in terror (only a little bit excuse you) when kunai launched at high speeds into the drove themselves into wall far above her head. However, Chikako was not someone to be deterred by near death experiences, and continued into the apartment where she might have sort of failed at dodging many other traps that were too tall for her. As no one was there to see it, she will insist that she intentionally set off the traps and Hana can shut her stupid face.

After preliminary snooping (investigations) were complete, she came to the conclusion that Hatake must be a very boring man. There was no personal items, with the exception of a team photo and a plant in his bedroom, weapon and scrolls messily stored in every available nook and cranny, and an empty refrigerator and cupboards (she was still a little hungry). There was one organized bookshelf however, and that was filled with rows of orange covered books. Seeing as they were the only organized thing in this apartment, they must be important (well that and she had seen Hana reading one in her room once, Hana had blushed shouted and threw her out, no matter how hard she snooped she was never able to find the stupid thing. She tried asking Mother but she just laughed and said Chikako would understand when she was older, which was possibly the worst response to any question ever). With the help of a little wall walking she climbed made it to the shelf and snagged one, before hopping back to floor level. Curiously, she cracked open the book and frowned, it was just an ordinary book, just words on page after page. She remembered the gossipy old lady saying Hatake reads porn in public. She didn’t exactly know what porn was, but she knew it had to be really bad to read in public by the way the lady talked about it. Flipping back to the first page she decided she’d just have to find out for herself.

. . . 

This book was weeeird Chikako decided. The main character must be sick or something. The woman kept getting hot and weak-kneed. All. The. Time. She remembered Mother telling her to drink lots of water and sit down if she started feeling like that after playing with Kiba and her cousins. So maybe this woman was sick, or played too much, but that didn’t make sense because all she did in the first chapter was walk around to talk to different men. A little bit confused, Chikako decided to keep reading. The main character was going back to this guy’s house with him, maybe she was going to rest there? The man mentioned his bed once or twice, so maybe he noticed she was sick and was going to take care of her. She was also confused about the relevance of the lady’s cat, and why the man seemed to think it was so important. Oh hey they were going to the bedroom now she turned the page and- Someone grabbed her by the back of the shirt and her feet left the ground. Chikako shrieked flailed and hurled her book at her assailant. Said book was intercepted and she was left dangling in the air like an errant puppy and eye level with a single emotionless grey eye.

“What are you doing in my apartment?” Asked the man (who by appearance she was pretty sure was Hatake Kakashi himself, but you could never be to sure.) Chikako’s mind went blank and she blurted out the first thing could think of.

“I wanted to know what porn was. The gossips say you read them in public so I was curious. Thats all.” Chikako said with a huff, sure her logic was irrefutable. The single grey seemed to grow confused for a second before he asked.

“Did you get to page thirty-six?” This seemed to be a serious question.

“No but I was almost there if you hadn’t grabbed me.” Chikako replied and struggled for a moment more before angrily giving him her super scary intimidation death glare. It seemed to have the opposite effect, as he did some sort of weird eye smile thing that annoyed her even more.

“Maa, maa, you're too young to know about that kind of thing. Now how did you get into my apartment?” Hatake asked again. Chikako crossed her arms defensively.

“The door was unlocked, anyone could have gotten in.” If there was one thing she had learned from having two older siblings is that if you deny hard enough, Kiba or Hana will be blamed instead. 

Hatake glanced over at the still open door and the kunai embedded in the hallway wall. He glanced her up and down, assessing her height, and once more at the kunai before coming to his own conclusions and eye smiling again. Suddenly the room seemed to darken, a cold nasty feeling permeated the air and she shivered, a low rumbling came from behind him and she glanced over to the biggest dog that she had ever seen (even bigger than Kuromaru) crouched aggressively and focused on her. He leaned in and whispered in a dramatic and scary voice (the same one Hana used to make Kiba do what she said),

“Why don’t you tell me what you’re really doing here.” Chikako shivered a bit at the voice but leaned in and whispered back,

“Can I pet your doggie?” The mood shattered and a snort escaped the previously growling (and still adorable) dog behind him. Hatake gave her a thoroughly confused look and she gave him her weaponized puppy eyes™. Still confused, he simply let go of her shirt and watched as she happily ran over to introduce herself to the gigantic dog. Hatake finally responded with a slight groan at her last name, while the dog (named bull, honestly couldn’t Hatake be a little bit more creative than that?) seemed to think the situation was even more funny and started laughing hysterically while muttering how someone named Pakkun was going to be so mad he missed this, and how today is the best day ever.

“Just tell me what you’re doing here.” The man seemed to be begging at this point as Bull melted under her petting. Chikako knew, smugly, that the ninkin gave her the title of best petter out of everyone in the Inuzuka compound which was a high honor indeed. Deciding to take pity on the man she replied,

“Do you have white Chakra?” The question seemed to have thrown him, which was silly because she could have asked much more confounding questions (how many treats is too many, who has the softest fur in all of Konoha, What's worse: fleas or flea collars? These questions always stumped the ninken at the kennel.) 

“Why do you want to know?” He asked

“Why do you want to know why I want to know?” Chikako replied she always won this game with Hana.

“Because it’s my apartment you're in.” Hatake responded confused, darn he wasn’t going to play the who's more stubborn game. Chikako decided to ignore that question for a moment and turn back to Bull. 

“Does he have white chakra?” Chikako asked bull (who seemed to have his laughter under control with the exception of another snort at the question) in a stage whisper.

“Yeah, Boss is awesome like that.” Bull stage whispered back, Hatake’s single eye twitched when Bull responded, which didn’t seem healthy, he should really get it looked at.

With Chikako’s super secret, super sneaky investigation almost complete, she turned to Hatake to complete her impromptu interrogation.

“What are you hiding under your mask? Do you have dog teeth? Can I see them? Also are in a committed relationship with Maito Guy? Your neighbor seemed to think so but the Gossip lady says you two are deviants, and I don’t really know what that means, but I’m pretty sure she meant it as a bad thing” Chikako rapidly asked the other questions that had been weighing heavily on her all day. Hatake’s single eye widened as Bull was set off into peals of laughter again.

. . .

In a shunshin too fast for her notice, Chikako Inuzuka found herself standing alone at the gates of the Inuzuka compound. Sighing at her failure to gain answers to the really important questions, she glanced around to make sure Hatake had truly left before pulling an orange book out of her pocket. If nothing else, she would at least figure out what was so special about those darn orange books.


End file.
